


Fearless

by theskywasblue



Series: 7 Deadly Sins [6]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/pseuds/theskywasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jien tries hard to make things right</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fearless

Jien didn't think about what he had done until afterwards, standing under the jaundiced glow of the bathroom light and staring at his bloody knuckles. The second knuckle on his right hand was split clean open, almost down to the bone, and it stung when he held it under the warm water, turning the slow swirl down the drain a soft pink. The long crack down the middle of the grime-darkened mirror seemed to show him two halves of himself, and he couldn't recognize either one.

_You're such a fucking hypocrite, acting like you really think you can save him, acting like you really give a shit_.

"I do," he hissed, pressing soap against the wound and shivering at the sting, "I care, he's my brother. I love him."

_But not enough to protect him when it really matters._

It stung even more when he tried to wash the soap out; his eyes watered and his fist clenched so tight that the wound started to bleed again.

"I'm trying," he whispered breathless and shaking, "I'm trying so fucking hard, you don't even understand."

He closed his eyes, tried to remember _why_ he had done it this time, instead of so many times before. He saw Gojyo – fat lip, black eye, bits of gravel imbedded in a long gash down his arm and left side of his face scraped so raw it looked like he had been dragged behind a truck – refusing to cry as Jien picked bits of stone out of his wound.

Then he saw himself, something like an out of body experience, straddling the kid who had done it, pinning him down and beating him bloody until he swallowed bits of his own teeth and begged for mercy.

Jien doubled over the sink and emptied his stomach until nothing came up but bile, until his throat burned and his chest ached.

_Even if you want to save him you can't. You can pretend to love him if you want, but really, you're just like her._

Jien put his fist through the mirror hard enough to crack the plaster of the wall behind it and then sank on the floor with his back against the wall.

"Jien?" The knock on the door didn't surprise him. It sounded far away, like he was listening to his brother's voice from the opposite end of a very long tunnel, "Jien – you in there? I gotta piss."

The doorknob rattled. Jien's lips formed the words "_Quiet_" and "_Go away_", but his body didn't seem capable of making a sound save the soft 'pat-pat' of his blood dripping from his ruined hand onto the linoleum.

"Jien? Jien are you okay?"

_He'll wake her, and what happens then? You don't have enough balls to really make it stop, do you?_

He heard Gojyo pop the cover off the front of the doorknob and the 'chink' of him disengaging the lock with his thumb; the same trick Jien had used hundreds of times to get in when Gojyo locked himself inside to escape a beating. Gojyo always curled in the bathtub, wrapped himself in the shower curtain. Jien was sure he wouldn't fit if he tried to do the same. He wasn't a kid anyway; he had given all that up.

The door swung open, hit Jien's foot. Gojyo still managed to slip in through the crack like a breath of warm air. He looked at the mess of the mirror, the blood in the sink, and then down at the remains of Jien.

"Jien, you're bleeding…" Gojyo edged towards him like he was a wounded animal, one hand hovering in the air between them, reaching to cover the distance. Jien lifted his good hand and Gojyo took it, wrapping his hand around Jien's fingers like he had when he was just a baby, "What'd you do? You're hurt Jien."

"Yeah…" his voice came back sounding strange, thick and tangled like a clog had been pulled from his throat.

"I'll get the kit, okay?" Gojyo let go of his hand and panic welled up Jien's chest. He pressed his bloody hand to the back of Gojyo's neck and pulled his brother in until their foreheads came together. Gojyo's eyes were wide with shock, endlessly red; he whispered Jien's name, sounding small and afraid.

"I'm sorry Gojyo – so sorry."

Gojyo's hands came up and cupped his face, small and warm, fingers smoothing the hair at Jien's temples, "It's okay Jien – jus' lemme go get the kit. I'll take care of it, it'll be fine."

He let his brother go; even knowing it wouldn't be fine. He wasn't sure it could ever be fine again.

-End-


End file.
